Jason Garcia

Well here we are beginning our second day of shock and horror. This morning we spoke to an oncologist who believes that the mass in Jason’s head is an enlargement of the tumor. He suggests that we consult with our radiation physician, Dr. Kane who is a great doctor and a good man. At this point it seems that we are trying to get our proverbial ducks in a row. Traditional surgery and also cyber knife surgery seem to be options looming on our horizon, but as we have spoken neither to a radiologist or to a neurosurgeon I can not say anything definitive about where we will go from here. What we are doing is remaining in VERY close contact with the staff at IU Medical Center and Dr. Einhorn himself. Our beloved nurse practitioner, Judy, has patiently fielded phone calls from me for two days now, calls us to check up on Jason and is acting as the liaison to receive copies of the MRI and CAT scans to disseminate to professionals in Indiana. Jason’s mom, Rosanne, and I have established a tentative plan that we wish to return to Indiana to continue whatever treatment Jason may need there. Our hope is to move him via motor home to Indiana next week if Dr. Einhorn thinks this is a good idea and then remain there until we feel more confident of Jason’s condition. Our local physician also sees the merit in this decision as long as we can stabilize Jason’s condition enough to move him across the country.

At this very moment I am pouring over a copy of the MRI and CAT scan attempting to come to some conclusions based on the limited knowledge I have and the fact that I have seen nearly all of Jason’s films thus far. I am asking questions and getting no answers. Today I feel much like one does when trying to call the DMV. I feel like we have been “on hold” for ever, although it has barely been 24 hours and I feel that every one we are “transferred” to isn’t the correct “department”. I feel like bashing my head against the wall, screaming and throwing things. My request is simple: heal Jason. To me, this doesn’t seem too tough anymore. We came so far. We were almost there. My heart broke last night when Jason said to me, “Babe, I thought we’d beat this”. What does one say to that? I gave the only response I can conceive: “We WILL beat this. Maybe not today, but we WILL win”. I, for reasons that I can not fathom, continue to hold fast to an unwavering belief that even on this grim day we will still see Jason healed and complete again. I don’t even feel this is blind optimism, but rather it is a feeling of certainty for me. I am not doubting the outcome but today I doubt the logistics, the seemingly impossible reality of trying to move Jason to Indiana without air travel (air travel NOT recommended as it can make brain swelling worse) and figuring out what our next move will be.

Meanwhile, Jason remains in the hospital where we will most likely remain throughout the weekend as physicians will be off for the weekend and not writing release orders. Hopefully this will give us enough time to get the swelling in Jason’s brain under control and to manage his pain. Jason sits in the hospital, I wait for news from Indiana or local doctors, and a feeling of stagnancy seems to surround us while my entire being buzzes with the need to act.

Although my requests for prayer and your thoughts seem endless, each request is wrought from genuine need. For the first time in eight months I don’t have a clue what our next move will be. I feel impotent to make things happen; to ease the strain of worry and fear I see in Jason’s eyes and to fix this. Please pray for guidance. Please pray for the smoothing of details. If we are to go to Indy I have no idea how we will get there or how we will manage our ever mounting bills while we are gone. Pray for sound medical advise and wisdom for the professionals involved in Jason’s care. Pray for a cure.

We appreciate you all,
Denise

I haven’t lied to any of you yet and I have tried to make you all as much of this process as I can so I will simply tell you everything I know and feel and let you come to some conclusions while I try to sort out the events of our life today.

As you know from my prior e-mail I took Jason to the emergency room this morning at 6:00 and we did not see a physician until nearly 2:00pm which I feel is reprehensible, but I digress. After consulting with Dr. Einhorn in Indiana the not-so-tactful physician in the emergency room announced to us, “the [brain] tumor has grown”. That’s when time stopped. I didn’t know whether to take his words at face value or console myself with the fact that oncologists trained in tumors have told me it is very difficult to ascertain WHAT has grown or changed without a CAT scan, an MRI AND actually doing surgery to determine if the “tumor” is active cancer, or a bleed.

Jason will be admitted to Fresno Community Hospital’s oncology unit where, sadly we are well acquainted with the staff, whom we know and love dearly. The next step is for Dr. Hager, our local oncologist, to meet with neurologists and radiation physicians to determine if a cyber knife surgery is a good idea to relieve the swelling in Jason’s brain. If Jason has an active tumor that is cancer which is growing, this will quickly be passed though his blood stream to the rest of his body and all the work we did with the stem cell transplant will be quickly erased and we will have few, if any, options left.

I have not told Jason my fears and I trust none of you will breathe word of them to him either. We are adopting a hopeful outlook that the issue is only a bleed that is causing swelling and must be resolved.

Even as I write this my eyes swell with tears and I have to blink hard to force them from clouding my vision but that does not work; they fall and multiply faster than I can control. My facade is gone and I am terrified. I can’t imagine beginning the process of facing death in the face again and I can’t see how we will find the strength to keep fighting. I look at Jason who I know so well and love so much and I can only say “I love you, we’ll beat this” but I know my voice sounds weak, unconvincing.

I still DO believe that we will pull through this, that the issues in Jason’s brain may not be more serious than I’d like to believe, but nonetheless the cold hand of a mind numbing fear has a tight grip on my heart. What I know for certain is that miracles happen and we have been through worse. What I also know is that prayer is a powerful weapon. Please, I beg you to pray for Jason, for me. Pray Jason strength to face the uncertain future and pray him health.

I don’t know how many of you are avid philosophy readers, but I can remember back to my days as a Philosophy major at Fresno Pacific University and one evening we were reading Boethius’ Consolation of Philosophy when something sparked my interest–Fortuna. She was a figure in the middle ages and she and her wheel are an apt description of the life that Jason and I are currently living. You see, it was thought that Fortuna would spin the wheel that is our lives and from her spin our destiny is set (granted, this is a simple explanation but nonetheless you get the idea). Generally the wheel bears four figures representing the following tenets: “I shall reign”, “I reign”, “I have reigned” and “I have no kingdom” placed with the “I reign” at the top of the wheel and you can guess where the other phrases are placed. Occasionally one is thrown off the wheel altogether and crushed by the wheel itself or a passing cart.

Today, Jason and I feel like we are being thrown under the wheel so to speak. Yesterday Jason was having trouble forming words and was somewhat confused which indicated to me that his dilantin levels were too low. I called the Cancer Center and determined that his level was 5.1 (normal being between 10 and 20) so I set out to correct his levels with an extra dose of dilantin through the advise of the Cancer Center and the on-call physician, Dr. Robertson at the BMT Unit at IU in Indianapolis. This worries Jason greatly although it is not a major concern as long as we keep these levels in check. However, after going through so much, Jason fears blood tests, the Cancer Center itself and as he says, “I can’t do this anymore”. He is afraid and feeling poorly. Add to this injury the insult of a horrific headache this morning at 5:00am. I called Judy in Indiana and she thought it best to go immediately to the emergency room to have a CAT scan and then an MRI done to see if Jason is having any new swelling of the brain or possibly a new bleed. Grim ideas at best. So off we rushed at 6 this morning to the emergency room where we now sit. As of my writing of this note we have not seen a physician although Jason has been medicated so his pain has been somewhat relived and a CAT scan has also been done. In fact I already have the results (neither I nor the nurses can see anything much going on which is good, but alas none of us are qualified to read CAT scans other than from seeing them often) and have e-mailed a copy to Indiana to be followed by a copy via FedEx for morning arrival tomorrow.

Suffice it to say, if we thought that our return to Fresno brought us to the “I shall reign” stage of Jason’s healing and recovery, today we are feeling more like “I have no kingdom”. But, despite the scare I am hopeful that Jason’s brain is A-OK and also hopeful that any activity that is going on is due to the cancer cells in his brain dying off. The great thing about the difference between the Middle Ages and today is medical technology and prayer. I feel very firmly that your prayers and our God have not brought Jason this far to fail now and in time he will be restored to full health. Please pray for Jason today. He needs your love, support and reminders that we will be victorious. Pray for me too; I am tired and frustrated. I remain strong for Jason but right now I want to cry and scream.

In hope of the wheel’s turning,
Denise

Jason is in the emergency room this morning at Fresno Community with possible brain bleeding. Please pray urgently for him. He will be having a cat scan.

Denise

WOW! Well, here we are, back in the saddle! We’ve been home for five days now and it seems like an eternity. Time for me in Indianapolis seemed to stand still and here it seems that the days are over before I realize they have begun. Jason and I are both experiencing some strange feelings with being home. My difficulty is acclimating to my hectic work schedule; I resumed my full-time job this Monday and also began teaching at the Clovis Center four nights a week in addition to my bar tending gig one night a week. Although it is a blessing to have jobs to come back to there has been little lull between caring for Jason and the rush of three jobs. Jason is experiencing feelings of a similar nature in trying to readjust to a schedule and fill his hours with activity. Unfortunately his car died while he was ill this last winter and the repairs are going to be more than the car is worth, so needless to say Jason is mostly home bound which is very difficult for him after so many months of illness and the walls of our house as his only company. Now that he is feeling better it is time for him to begin to get back to the task of living and determining what his next life-move will be and this is difficult without transportation. So, we are both in a period of adjustment but are thrilled to be back here in Fresno with friends and family and a hopeful future ahead of us.

As far as Jason’s cancer treatment goes he will be monitored with weekly blood work on Mondays of a very similar nature to that he had done while we were in Indy. As always each week will be filled with its moments of anxiety while we await the return of the bHCG or tumor marker levels. The unfortunate thing about blood work here in Fresno is that the bHCG levels take 3-4 days to receive results which only lengthens the time that I gnaw my fingers in fretful anticipation. Now that you are all a part of this with us I will continue to keep you updated as to Jason’s condition and our general well-being so be on the lookout for test results on Thursday or Friday. For the next three or so months Jason will be monitored here in Fresno with weekly blood work and once-monthly visits to Indianapolis for appointments with Dr. Einhorn. If all goes well the fourth month will bring a reduction of blood work to monthly rather than weekly and then eventually every three, then six months.

Please continue to think of Jason and pray for him. Although we are as close to victory as we have ever been we have not broken through to the winner’s circle yet, although it is in reach. Your thoughts and prayers have been the wave of success that has brought us this far and we need you now as much as ever. Although I have not had an opportunity to write to each of you who have donated through the website, EECU and/or Pilgrim Church I will, but I wanted to tell you all how much we appreciate your donations. Your generosity is not forgotten, I have just not had the time to write words to express our gratitude just yet…..but they will come! For now, please know that we are grateful to and for you every minute. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about your kindness, generosity and love you have shown us and I am moved by your support.

In all honesty, six months ago I could have never envisioned myself here, writing to you with words of hope and victory. In fact, until May I was plagued with a reoccurring dream where I could see myself giving a eulogy in front of a large mass of people and I frequently woke with the lingering question, “What if this will be me one day soon?” I am sure this dream was a nightly manifestation of the terror I felt daily but refused to acknowledge; this makes Jason’s success all the more sweet now because I know without a doubt that had we not fought for Indiana and Dr. Einhorn Jason might not be here today.

With each passing day I see Jason build his strength and our lives return inch by inch to what they were nearly a year ago. As the fear and terror fade to be replaced with thoughts of hope and peace I write to you with gratitude for bringing us a very long way home.

Hello Everyone!

We arrived home to the sultry heat of the Central San Joaquin Valley yesterday afternoon after some very interesting experiences at the airport due to the new, heightened security measures. We were met with friends, family and the media who welcomed us with open arms and even a limo. The first thing Jason wanted to do was get some sushi which he has been craving for days but feared Indiana was too far from a coast to have good sushi. We drove around town in the limo that Jason’s dear friend Francisco got for us and then noshed on sushi and beer.

It is so good to be home with people we love, our friends and family. Now we set ourselves to the task of unpacking, cleaning and trying to discover what a normal routine is. We will be back in Indy September 11 for a progress check and then monthly for a while until Jason’s condition stabilizes.

Please continue to pray for Jason as I am quite sure your prayers are what have brought him so much success thus far. We still need his bHCG numbers to continue to drop and please also pray for strength for Jason as he begins the long journey back to strength.

We love you all and are so fortunate to consider you friends.

Jason and Denise

As promised our flight information is as follows:

Arrive Fresno, FAT Thursday at 1:12 pm via American Airlines flight #631 from Dallas.

See you soon!

Today is Monday, which in our lives is always a very stressful day as we live in taut anticipation of the tumor marker levels and hope for the best and fear the worst. Last night I was walking down the street and all of a sudden I was gripped by the cold hand of fear and tears were rolling down my face before I could stop them. In a life lived by numbers it has been hard for me to listen to the words God has given me lately, “Be still and know I am God.” It is sometimes hard to be still in a life lived on the edge of hope and fear. I think that the time is coming for me to let go of the fear that has ruled my life for the last eight months and give in to faith and the knowledge that God will see Jason through to complete healing. Although I struggle with being still and having faith, Jason’s tumor marker levels continue to fall with a return today of 53.4. Today was an eventful day for Jason because with the positive return of his bHCG levels we are one step closer to returning to Fresno and living a healthy life. Part of this process included the removal of the main line from his chest that has been steadily supplying Jason with chemo, antibiotics and fluids since mid-June. Our next step will be to try to move our return flight tickets from this Saturday, the 12th, to Wednesday or Thursday. I will keep you posted on the exact details as I discover them. I would love to have Jason’s old and new friends come to the airport to welcome him home.

Today Jason has his own words for you, another marker of his amazing success here and return to health. He says, “I’m doing well and as far as today goes my tumor markers are as low as they have ever been thanks to Dr. Einhorn. Thanks for all of the support and care packages. I can feel your thoughts and prayers all the way from Fresno and all over the nation. I could have never done this without all of your support. I will be back in Fresno soon. I love all you guys! God bless!”

While Jason’s words are full of vigor and happiness, Jason’s mom, Rosanne, is having a day filled with happiness for Jason and heartache as well. She says, “Today has been a very difficult day for me. I became friends with a taxicab driver and his family during my many journeys via cab to and from IU Medical Center. This cab driver was an amazing man of God who told me, “We’re gonna pray Jason right out of that hospital room”. He was murdered this week in a string of senseless murders and this has brought a tangible reminder to me of just how precious life really is. The greatest thing for us is that Jason is coming home and he is doing so with the success of knowing he is on the road to complete healing that has been given him by God with an understanding of the importance that we all have in each other’s lives. With God’s grace we have been able to make this difficult journey and see God’s love and the strength I have gained in knowing that whatever happens in life we have God’s promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I have truly seen this and lived by His promise. I know that God will bless each of you that have seen us through this time and neither I nor God will forget the kindness and generosity that you have shown to us.”

Although I did not meet the cab driver who Rosanne became friends with I do know that she has been very touched by this man’s kindness and generosity to her and Jason. Clarence Hoosier was a man of God who not only drove Rosanne to and fro during her daily activities in Indianapolis, we was also a friend who brought Jason’s story before his church congregation and ignited another avenue of prayer for Jason. Mr. Hoosier was a true example of Christian charity and he made Rosanne feel loved and accepted in a time of great trial. The day he died, Clarence was to pick up Rosanne from the hospital. When he did not show she became worried and called him the next morning leaving a message on his voicemail. She continued to call throughout the day as he was her primary mode of transportation. After successive days of worry over Clarence’s whereabouts Rosanne finally called his wife at the church where she works (and he is a Deacon). Rather than an answer, her call was met with information regarding a funeral service but she could not determine a name. She called again and spoke to his daughter, Dawn, who told her the sad news. Rosanne has been devastated by this news as she has considered Mr. Hoosier and his family friends and allies in the war of prayer that we have been waging on Jason’s behalf.

As we delight in Jason’s news of continued healing we have heavy hearts for a man who lived his life an example of Christian kindness and generosity. Our hearts go out to the Hoosier family and through tears we rejoice that this man is now walking streets of gold with his maker. In situations such as these we are reminded of the frailty of life and the gift that each new day is to live.

Please continue to pray for Jason’s complete healing with special emphasis that his bHCG levels continue to fall and also pray for peace and guidance for the Hoosier family during this time of loss.

Denise

Hello Everyone!

I have great news to report to you today–Jason will be discharged from the hospital this afternoon and will be recuperating at the Omni for just a few days before we begin our journey home. He has been doing so well getting his strength back after a nearly three week sojourn in the hospital that the doctors feel that he deserves a little freedom. He has recovered from the stem cell transplant remarkably well and was taken off of all of his IV fluids and drugs yesterday to prepare for today’s discharge. We will remain in Indiana at least until Tuesday for outpatient follow-up on Sunday and Monday when Jason will be evaluated to determine that his platelets are at a level that his physicians approve of and also to remove his ‘main line’, a tube inserted in his chest directly into a large vein to allow ease of access for chemo and IV fluids, etc.

Although this is all remarkable news we are not out of the woods yet-in fact we need your diligent prayer for Monday’s bHCG results. As always, there is a chance that Jason’s may rise and this is NOT what we want by any stretch of the imagination. We must have the bHCG levels fall again on Monday and we need your prayer and thoughts to make this happen. At this stage in the process every testing of the bHCG levels are crucial and for Jason’s treatment to be considered successful the markers must continue to fall. God is truly great and has brought us this far; I can only have faith that He will continue to propel us down the path to victory and Jason’s ultimate cure, but we still need your prayers!

All said, this is wonderful news is it signals the first small step toward Jason’s return to a normal, happy life; however this is also a stressful time where we continue to be dependent on the tumor marker levels and desperate for them to continue to fall. Please remember Jason in your weekend as you relax, enjoy the summer and take a break from work. I know that it is prayer and God’s grace that have brought us this far and I ask you to continue praying for Jason and victory over cancer.

With hope and love,
Denise

Today I watch Jason pace his room like a caged tiger. He is bored, feeling better, hopeful and eager to get on with the business of living. I stand outside the door watching him unobserved. I have to choke back tears of gratitude and relief. With a sense of deja vu I remember last November when I watched Jason unnoticed. Then I asked myself, “How long will he be with me? Will he live to see Christmas?” I remember the ugly formation of cancer manifesting itself visibly on the outside of his body, on his head. I remember the terror in his eyes as our first oncologist told us the outlook was grim at best. Now I think how far we have come through the valley of the shadow of death and look in on him with the dawning hope that he will live to see his hopes and dreams fulfilled; he will live to grow old and beat this disease, the worst plague on humanity. We are blessed, lucky to have hope and the mercy of a cure on the horizon.

Today I spoke with Jason’s SSI advocate, a woman who has become a source of strength and avenue of luck for Jason. She told me about a man in a situation similar to Jason’s who was not lucky, who did not beat the demon that is cancer. I could hear the sadness and frustration in her voice as she spoke to me, impotent to have saved him. I felt almost guilty for making it this far and not carrying others with us on this journey. I was reminded of a quote I read recently (yes, a large number of quotations have come my way lately) from Hippocrates who said, “Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity” and I wonder how much of our success can be attributed to the opportunities that God has laid before us that brought us to IU Medical Center and Dr. Einhorn himself. I am learning that we do not have to die of cancer, we do not have to accept the fate given us by doctors. We can fight and we can live.

Janet, Jason’s advocate reminded me that I am burdened with an obligation to help others with the knowledge I have accumulated through this process. I tell you now that you have aided and abetted me in this journey and each of you has been a part of this process and this makes you my accomplices. How many of you have friends with cancer right now? How many family members? Too many of our lives have been darkened by the shadow of cancer. I have learned that so much of curing cancer is about finding the right doctor, the right treatment and living by faith and now we are obligated to find opportunities for others.

If you know someone with cancer it is your obligation as fellow man to do the best you can to provide opportunities for this individual through encouragement, sharing your knowledge, financial support, prayers, words of encouragement and laughter. Jason is not out of the woods yet, but the opportunities that God has given us are bringing him closer each day to a healthy life and each of you have already helped us in countless ways to fight this fight and win victorious.

Denise